A Messy Take on Beef

Catering for vegetarians is easy; you just scatter a bunch of grass and seeds on the table and then let them peck away like hungry emus. You don’t need a chef to feed vegetarians; you just need a gardener and a machete.

Meat lovers, however, are very different.  Meat lovers are clever, perceptive, civilised, urbane, well-rounded people.  They understand flavour and texture and pleasure.  They appreciate nuance and aroma and subtle sauces.  It takes talent to please a meat lover; it takes superior knowledge and herculean effort.

Which is why we all give thanks for a restaurant chain called Gaucho.

Gaucho was created by an Argentinian who came to London, ate the boiled log that Britons call “roast beef”, and then simply said: No. Just…no.

Then he turned around and created a glorious restaurant chain that now spans UK, Europe and Dubai.  Gaucho is a haven where meat lovers can enjoy sublime steaks in splendour, served by smiley staff in trendy trousers.

Now, I always thought of cows as very simple creatures.  They chew, they moo, they poo. They trudge around munching grass, waiting to be cooked.  It never occurred to me that the various parts of such a basic beast could taste so vastly different.  I thought that if a man wanted a steak, he could just cut out a cross-section from the nearest cow and then slap it onto some burning coals, but apparently, that’s not the case.

The Gods of Beef at Gaucho tell us that there are four main cuts of steak, each with its own unique personality and flair.  Here is what they say:

Fillet –

For Men: Fillet steak is tender and lean and round and glorious.  It’s fresh, faultless meat that’s never done a day of labour in its life.  Eating a fillet steak is like nibbling on Jennifer Lawrence’s inner thigh.  Every bite is perfection.  You want to savour it and chew it for hours.  You can’t believe that you’ve been allowed to touch something so divine.

For Ladies: Fillet steak is the hot, young yoga instructor who shaves his chest and prowls the room like a panther.  The guy whose “downward dog” pose makes you wish you’d worn pampers.  He’s so pure and you’re so dirty.  You want to take him home and gobble him up but you know that you’re not worthy.

Ribeye –

For Men: Ribeye is soft and juicy and decadent. It’s the luscious, curvy girl bursting out of the tiny bikini.  The seductive temptress born with natural beauty who drinks and eats and laughs and never goes near a gym.  She’s 90% butter, but you really don’t care, because there’s a lot happening in that bikini as she wibble-wobbles down the beach.  The ribeye girl is addictive and dangerous and she’ll ruin your life, but at least you’ll die happy.

For Ladies: Ribeye is the bad boy at the bar.  The boy you’ve been warned to avoid.  He dominates the room, slouching in his jeans and leather jacket, teasing everyone in sight.  His lopsided grin oozes confidence even though his belly strains his belt.  You want to spurn him but you can’t.  You want to stomp away in contempt but something draws you to him.  He’s going to be bad for your health and you’ll hate yourself in the morning, but tonight…oh tonight will be glorious!

Sirloin –

For Men: Sirloin is firm and meaty and robust.  It’s the muscly chick in the pub downing pints after a day of competitive netball, the fit girl who climbs mountains with a bottle of wine in her backpack.  She’s 50kg of muscle wrapped in half-an-inch of fat.  She’s never going to strut down a catwalk but she’ll jog with you in the morning and then pound the mattress with you at night until the bed breaks.   You’ll win no accolades for snaring the sirloin chick but she’s the smart choice and you know it.

For Ladies: Sirloin is the ex-rugby player in the big woolly jumper.  He probably studied medicine or engineering, played sport in muddy fields and sang victory songs in pubs with his mates.  He still works out but years of beers are taking their toll and there’s a bit of fat building up on top of all that muscle.  He thinks it’s a problem but YOU know that it makes him even more delicious.  You just want to curl up in his arms, rub your face on his woolly jumper, and snuggle beside the fire.  Sirloin man is comfort food; it’s just that simple.

Rump –

For Men: Rump is rich in iron and full of tangy flavour.  It’s worked hard, covered a lot of miles and there’s not an ounce of fat left on it. You know what you’re getting with rump. It’s the Cameron Diaz of the meat world.  It’s the Jennifer Aniston of beef.  They say it’s a bit chewy and it often needs sauce to get it in the mood, but if you handle it just right, you’ll be a happy man.

For Ladies: Rump is Bon Jovi and Michael Bolton.  It might be out of fashion now but it lingers on, pumping out pleasure in its own special way.  Your mom loves it.   Your youthful years were full of it.  Rump has worked hard to stay firm and lean throughout its long lonely years.  It doesn’t draw the big crowds anymore but it’s comforting and nostalgic and it never disappoints.

Gaucho serves these four cuts perfectly.  Choose the theme that suits your mood and let the Gaucho team deliver the steak of your dreams.

Cook happy, eat healthy, Live Messy!

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2 thoughts on “A Messy Take on Beef

  1. Absolutely Brilliant! Great read. Just as well I read this in the confines of my office and there is not here (it is the weekend in this part of the world, you know) because if I was in a public place would run the risk of being arrested. I have not yet figured if this amount of laughter is allowed, perhaps best not to run that risk! In additional I lack the man to bail me out. I held out for years joining FB (never been interested in what other people have for dinner) and only did it once in Dubai after joining a Dragon boating team as it is they only way they communicate with each other. Even so, I have been a reluctant user FB all this time. However, reading these postings suddenly makes it all worthwhile and worth it after all. Keep it up!

  2. Wow. This is very good indeed. Will be attempting one of your dishes soon, and will do everything according to YouTube video.

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