A Panda Sandwich

Yassi and I studied the woman at the table next to us suspiciously. “Special edition,” whispered Yassi. “Nightmare Barbie!!” The plastic woman-shaped doll thingy pouted and posed and played with her hair and took at least one selfie every ten seconds. “Do you think she’s having a fit?” asked Yassi. “Should we call for help?” […]

Celebrities Who Should Just Shut Up… (1)

I know nothing about singing or dancing. I’m like a tree; I only sway when the wind blows. My hips are connected to my shoulders by steel beams. Wiggling is impossible for me. I can’t even reach my own back in the shower without a using brush on a stick. People like John Travolta amaze […]

The Highland Fling Was Firmly Flung!

Many thanks to Prestige Promotions for a spectacular Rally! Day Zero So we arrived at Gleneagles; a giant pile of granite in the middle of a carefully sculptured lawn, infested by nutters with buggies and sticks. “Why do they keep hitting the ground?” asked Yassi. “Scottish people hate everything, even the earth itself,” I replied. […]

A Messy Take on Beef

Catering for vegetarians is easy; you just scatter a bunch of grass and seeds on the table and then let them peck away like hungry emus. You don’t need a chef to feed vegetarians; you just need a gardener and a machete. Meat lovers, however, are very different.  Meat lovers are clever, perceptive, civilised, urbane, […]

Dear Idiots at Europcar in Morocco…

Dear Europcar Customer Service, My wife and I arrived in Casablanca late at night stiff and sore from long hours folded into anatomically incorrect airline seats. You may think that airlines are public companies, but they’re not, they’re evil cults created by chiropractors to drum up new business. Then we shuffled along in endless queues […]